Boys State and Beyond!
I spent all last week at Palmetto Boys' State teaching media to about 30 rising high school seniors. It was great fun, but exhausting. We put out a 4-page paper daily, plus created web pages galor and a video a day. Since USC wasn't aware of my computer needs, I got substandard Macs and had to use my eMac for most of the video and paper work. Which means I had to do most of it. Which means I had to be up til 4, 5 or 6 a.m. to finish. And the way the week is structured, I had to be back up at 7:30 or so. In thew morning. Every day. I was exhausted and my temper ran short some times, especially with Matt M., to whom I apologize.

In addition, I was surrounded by 1000 young males. 850 of them were 17 or so, so they were barely noticed. Many were out of high school and were noticed. Good looking guys. I tried to explain it to Matt: It's like you had to spend the week at Girls' State, surrounded by all those girls. He didn't get my frustration at all. The whole program basically runs on a don't-ask-don't-tell policy, so it's really annoying. Boys State is run throughout the nation, in every state except Hawaii. It's a mock government system wherein they learn procedures from city to state level. I taught the Media School. THe "Citizens" came up with party platforms on which to vote, etc. One of the topics was gay marriage and it seemed most people were against it. And see, I had hope in the youth of today...

Anyway, the week is over. But having been in Columbia has made me miss it and I have decided I am going to move back when my lease here is up (November 19). I'm excited, concerned, scared, happy. I have spoken with Kelly, my parents and most of my friends here. They are all behind me, but I can't tell if they are saying it to be supportive or if they really mean it. Maybe some of both. Kelly and I have realized that we've gotten to a levelled-out place in our friendship where we've learned the bulk of what we will learn from each other. We can part ways a little now. She had planned on moving out on her own, anyway, so it's not like I'm leaving her high and dry. (Speaking of which, why is "high and dry" a bad thing; would people rather by "low and wet"?)

So Columbai it is. I met lots of new people at PBS, and feel that with my freelance status, I can meet more and have a better time. THe larger citiness of it, plus the fact that all of my accounts are there, will alleviate some of my current "problems," as well. So I'm excited. Friends there are excited. It'll be good, right?

Except Desmal seems bummed and we seem to have detached some. Maybe it's just stress of other things. He and Wayne are trying to persuade me to stay. But see, there's VERY little for me in Statesboro. No one to date, no where to shop, no where to feel myself, really, except at home and at dkARTS. So Columbia seems better. It's a fresh start in an old place. And really, I'll move from there soon, anyway. I seem to not settle down.

So there ya have it. The latest major update on my life. Everything else is at status quo.

Today's grievances will be brought to you by the letters I, K and S and by the numbers 3 and 20.

To catch you up: I recently bought an iPod, refurbished from Apple. It arrived today. Excitedly, I opened the box to play with my new 3-hundred-dollar toy, which will double as my laptop's secondary harddrive. Being intuitive about electronics and their workings, I began connecting wires, etc., and getting ready to plug my new expensive toy into my matching computer to load songs onto the iPod. But wait I seemed to be missing a piece. Yes, yes I am. I'm missing the dock connector firewire cable...meaning I cannot connect my iPod to anything, including a power source and including my computer. Thus rendering my iPod quite, quite useless.

Twenty minutes later, Apple tech support tells me they have to ship the missing part out of their "repair" warehouse, which means it won't ship today, but tomorrow. Which means I get it Tuesday (since Monday is a holiday). Hooray. So now I have to look at my expensive paperweight for six days before I can use it. SIX DAYS!

I'm so disappointed.

Also, Kevin at dkARTS really pisses me off with his attitude.

That is all.

Okay so Bridget called me the other day. She's been calling every so often and I hear an odd tinge in her voice. i can't place it. Like she knows something that she thinks I should confirm or that she wants to know something that i'm not telling her.

Anyway, she calls me and we're chatting. She eventually tells me she's dating this guy named Brian who she met. I told her I knew, since Angie had mentioned it. I told her the rest Angie told me-- that they met on eHarmony.com and that Harriett (Bridget's mom) was against that; that he is a respiratory therapist, that he's 32, that he lives in Augusta. I asked her what else about him. She tells me he's really nice... then says, "He reminds me a lot of you, actually."

I said, "That's interesting."

"Yeah, interesting" she adds.

Then it went on from there. He was coming over so they could go do something. I asked if Allie liked him, etc. Eventually he got there and we got off the phone.

But... whathafuh?

Okay. If I still thought myself straight, this would have crushed me. Back when Bridget and I started talking again after the (still not ex) husband thing happened, she dropped tons of hints that she wanted to date but felt that she couldn't 'cause she didn't want to look bad in case of a big legal battle. I understood that. Eventually I told her that when she was divorced, I wanted us to go on a date. A date. She got quiet and said she didn't think of me that way. I felt like an idiot and we didn't talk for weeks and weeks. I mean, the only person I had ever wanted, who had turned me down tons of times in high school, who was dropping hints ("I want you to be a part of Allie's life")-- she just turned me down again. I gave up. And really, that was probably the lynch pin that made me explore my inner feelings.

But if I were still straight, I'd probably die if she'd told me what she told me the other day. First, she passed me up all those years ago and wound up MARRYING Jason, who she'd despised and been grossed out by for our formative years. And he hadn't really changed. And then she turns me down later. And then later still she begins dating someone who reminds her of me. That would have been the proverbial straw that broke my back-0- to know she found someone like me but I was never good enough. Which, I guess, is still true. Except now I don't mind as much.

But to be honest, if Bridget asked me to spend my life with her, I'd consider it VERY much. It's so wholly complicated in my head that I can't sort it out. You know, you might have heard of straight people who WOULD spend their lives with someone of the same sex, but just a SINGULAR person? Only one person in a billion? That's Bridget to me. I'd give up a large part of my life still to have a life with her. It's very weird. But again I have to add another failure, another place where I wasn't good enough, to the pile of things that already bring me down. Fun, huh? But oddly, I have taken a very casual attitude towards my life recently. I think it's called hitting rock bottom; in other words, I dont' see how I can get much sadder than I am. I am sure I *could*, so all you Karmatic Angels out there don't NEED to prove a point. But nonetheless, I'm in this weird balance of casual sadness, where I know I'm sad but I don't really feel it. Comfortably numb, I guess.

Good luck to Bridget--a dream, a ghost, a dying ember.

The wedding of Zoey and Johnnie (now both last named Marsh) went off well. It was frustrating some, and how SO many people don't understand "stand over there" is beyond me. The wedding was on the beach in Tybee Island, and we set up a tent for Zoey to change in. Everyone (the guests) lingered around the tent. I told them five times (each time point vigorously) to move down the beach, closer to (but not in) the water. They'd take one step. I'd do something else. Zoey arrived eventually and we really needed them to move. So I got a little aggressive and somewhat rude and they all finally did what I told them to.

I photo'ed the wedding. While going down the aisle in front of Zoey, I drop a few rolls of film, which EVERYONE had to mention at the time. "You dropped some film!" "Film!" "You dropped soem film!" And to whcih i answered, "I know!" "I know!" "I AM AWARE!" I mean, you don't just stop photographing because a roll of film fell. Geez. I had like a dozen more.

Anyway, the after party was cool, too. Not toooo big but fun. No one there to "mack" on, but I did covertly flirt with a straight guy. He was hitting on my friend Charlotte so I piggy-back-rode the fun. (Only a LITTLE sad... right?) It got to the point where he was messing with my hair some, plus touching my chest. I just laughed 'cause he'd likely be freaked out if he knew. Oh well. And, I saw him today at Wal*Mart and chatted with him some. He's a cute kid (19).

This week, we have Andrew (who is 9) while Zoey and Johnnie are on their honeymoon. It's been fun but a little stressful because we have to schedule our night around his bed time. Being a parent will be interesting one day.

I'm currently getting Big Fish so I can watch it whenever. A great movie; saw it in the theatre. I saw The Punisher this weekend; was pretty good-- a good standard action flick.

Okay everyone ready? You know the song... A-one, A-two, A-one two three four!

I need a boyfriend. Why can't I find one? Where are the good ones? Whine whine whiiiiine!

Okay now that that is over. MONEY is pretty good. Comfortable. Whee!

I need to hit the gym harder. I've plateaued. Which is not to be confused with being platypussed. Which would be weird at best and fun at worst. Ot vice versa. Who knows. I'm not going to try it.

So I'm sitting here at dkARTS waiting for the time to pass. Tonight is OpenMicNightVISUAL (or, ArtNight). I run that little event so I'll be here tonight. I also have a stupid web meeting with Alicia Bea's this afternoon, so that won't be fun. Joy and happiness all around!

I told Hermes that the comic book club at the comic book store was getting boring after just three meetings, and that I hope it will be kicked up a notch. He seemed to immediately aggree with me, so that's cool. I'd like it to be a little more intellectually challenging.

I have decided an art series I'm going to do. I am going to photo the faces of people (I know and who are strangers), and then draw those faces in my style on larger paper. Each piece (about 10 pf them) will be a different medium, but the same style. It'll be cool, I think.

Oh my god I so totally effin' wasted Saturday night. It was ridiculous. I did things I don't even remember, although I have been told about them. But luckily, it was nothing bad.

It took all day and night Sunday to recover. I've only been that bad once, and God, I hope I don't do it again. It all started for Johnnie's bachelor party. We took a stretch Escalade to Savannah to Casbah, a Moroccan bellydancing restaurant. I had three drinks on the way up. But on the way back, Larry dared me to drink straight from the bottle of Vodka. I did. 5 shots straight. I was fine for another hoour or so and then downhill, baby.

Anywho, it was good, except the throwing up part and all.

Today is like any other day
Small variances, yes, but every day is the same recently. I need change. I need something new in my life. I need something to inspire me. To me, that equates to having a love interest. Even now I cannot make myself crush on someone, as the seeming pointlessness of that evades my thoughts even as I realize I am attracted to that person.

I've thought of Angie recently. I was driving along the other day and realized how much about myself has changed, how I've become a different person. I in a large way owe that to Angie. She challenged me as a person in high school. Challenged my insecurities. Challenged me in everything, really. Because of that adversity, I rose and examined myself and changed. The thing I concentrated on most at the time was my arrogance. Or at least, my outward arrogance. And while that was being reformed, the rest of me was reshaping as well. And now it's an eternal process. Thanks, angie. I do appreciate it.

I just finished reading The Footprints of God by Greg Iles. Read it. Now. It inspires me to write and soon, Matthew, we will again be graced by Gone.

That's all. Maybe I should mention Sprite. Or a toothbrush. But really, those things hold little importance to me nowadays, as my life has changed so much. I think there's SO much going on in my mind that I can't focus on many things anymore, and that's the reason behind the blog disappearance. I will continue to tr¥ to keep going.

Okay. Now shut up. I'm blogging already! Jeez! Never before had I htought so many people wanted to hear my pointless rambling, but I've gotten way too many little IMs and emails telling me I'm a loser. So, in order to dilute my loseranitude, here I be.

Let's give a quick update in my life...

Working at dkARTS still, slinging coffee for fun! Nice little spending money going on.

I'm dating no one, although there's this thing that happened with this guy that's funny but not interesting. But I don't want to get into it. Let's say he was a 38-year-old client who suggested we have sex on top of a building and leave it at that. Well, let's add one more thing-- it didn't happen.

There's another guy who I am apparently not fun enough or good enough or whatever enough for, as he doesn't call me for weeks on end.

Kelly & I are doing great! We are tentatively planning to move to Atlanta in the fall when our lease is up!

I'm getting my laptop soon! A friend let me fix his for him (heh) and I get to use it. Plus, someone else is footing the bill! Hoorah! No more lugging my eMac around and getting it all scratched up (there, there, baby...).

I have read Angels & Demons and The Da Vinci Code, and I suggest them to anyone who can read! I'm currently half-way through The footprints of God by Greg Iles, and it's good, too!

I've lost a great deal of weight but am only about half way there... Still going strong although I've slacked off some... Need to get back into it! Lose more weight! Be more hot! Whee!

Okay I'm done for now... I'm gonna run but more later, I hope!

Saturday the 14th
So earlier this week I mentioned an Anti-Valentine's Party to a friend, Scot. I wanted to hang out with some people, plus I wanted to see more of Nick. So as you know from earlier blogs, Scot never responded. Until yesterday when he asked for directions to my house. So he told me he was coming, bringing a handful of people. Including Nick. And then he asked who else was going to be there. Well, you see, since I hadn't heard form him, I assumed there would be no party and I'd left it alone. Now, I had to put one together...

So at 2 o'clock I start like a madman trying to get it all together. I buy liquor, food, decorations. Plus, I cooked dinner for me, Johnnie, Zoey and Bo. And then the party began. I mean, I really pulled it off. It looked like I'd actually PLANNED this thing. Later on Scot shows up, with a small entourage of people. But no Nick. Then Woogie (yeah that's his name) comes in right after. He leaves the door open for whomever is after him. I hold my breath. No Nick. But then he comes in. (Thank God!)

So the night progresses and Nick seems to be oblivious to me. I'm going crazy. All my close friends (Zoey, Johnnie, Bo, Heather, etc) know that I like Nick and they are like "Is that him?" And I'm all like yeah... And they are all like "He's cute. And funny. And cute." And I'm all like "yeah!" (haha sorry for the Valley Girl moment)

Lots of people were here. Probably 20 or so all said and done. NOT BAD for a thrown together event. I think, anyway.

Nick and I make party talk during the evening. He seems uninterested and I'm sort of dejected. Later, it's someone's idea to play Spin the Bottle (hello, 8th grade!) and we do. It's interested, because at least a 1/3 of the people are gay, so it was just crazy all around. Even straight guys "kissed" other straight guys. It was fun. Scot and I had to kiss like 6 times. By the third or so, I was dipping him, etc. It was fun. He kept saying he wanted a raise. Nick and I never got together in a spin. I was quite disapointed. But-- I spun it once and it landed where he was sitting, but he'd gotten up a moment before to get a drink, so I had to kiss the person closest, but lots of people were saying, "It's on Nick! Nick has to kiss Nick" and I was all excited but alas it ddn't happen.

So then everything starts winding down and I am starting to feel panicked or something. Like I'm never gonna get my chance. So I ask Nick if I can talk to him for a second in my room. Nervously, he agrees. Here's what followed (or a very close approximation):

Me: So, hey.
Him: Hey.
Me: So did Scot tell you I think you're cute?
Him: (nervous laughter begins here...) No...
Me: Well, I do.
Him (nervous laughter never stops) Thanks.
Me: I'd like for us to go out some time.
Him (continue nervous laughter, increased): Ah. Um. (laughter et al)
Me: If you want. If y ou're not seeing anyone.
Him (N.L. still): Well, it's a complicated situation.
Me: I understand complicated situations. It's cool.
Him: It's just complicated. (he's still very nervous)
Me: It's cool. Maybe we can go out as friends?
Him: Sure. (still laughing. yeah.)
Me: Can i give you my number?
Him: Yeah.
I write my number down for him.
At this point, I want to go for as much as I can, and confess:
Me: You know, this whole party was for you?
Him (nervous nervous laughter increases. I fear he's about to go "Plaid"): Really? Oh my gosh.
He's just using filler phrases now, like 'wow' and 'really' and laughing.
Him: I'm sorry. No one's ever done anything like that for me.
Me: Well, maybe you should think of that, in your complicated situation. I mean, even if we don't go out, maybe you should consider that.
Him: Yeah... (nervous laughter. yes. still.)
I say something (forget what) and he says:
Him: No, this is the best Valentin's I've ever had.
Me: Well, myabe you should remember that, too, in your "situation."
He's blushing a little by now and basically looks like a 13-year-old on his first date, shuffling his feet and looking down and laughing nervously a lot. It was cute. About this time, one of his friends tries to come in the room but I block the door. He and I talk for like 5 more seconds and she tries to bust down the door. So I let her in. She needs the pen I had. I give it to her. She informs him she's leaving so he goes out to say goodbye... That was the last chance I had to talk to him. We never actually say a real good bye because he has to ride with someone who is leaving. I don't think he looked at me any more. Maybe he did. I dunno. I doubt there's anything going to happen, but I made my move. I didn't waste the party. I had a good time. And, if nothing else, I gave him something to think about, and maybe he can make his complicated situation less complicated or something. Or maybe he'll call or come by dk and we can be friends. I mean, it's not like I'm in love with the boy. Just was interested in dating. I'm sure he'll tell Scot (I hope he does) and maybe Scot will give me a good rating. Or maybe not. I have no clue. But I had a good time and did what I could do. So I'm proud of myself for that, at least. I wish Kelly could have been here, but she was in the mountains. But Zoey, Johnnie, Bo and Joe were here. I had a good time. Happy Valentine's Day.

Yeah. Ugh. Valentine's Day really hit me today. I had to go to Wal*Mart tonight with Kelly and there were sooo many people and some great looking guys all buying stuff for their signif others. Just reminded me that I don't have anyone. Also, I saw a guy I dated there, so it even made me more yucked out.

Does one have to compromise your priniciples to have a good time? I mean, I want some friends to come over this coming weekend... I want all the people I know who aren't attached come to my house to have a "Screw Valentine's" party. No one seems interested. I think it's because most of the people I know who are in this boat are "alternative" people, meaning they do things like smoke pot. Which I won't allow. basically, I don't fit in with them. Most of them are gay, too. So it's doubly bad for me because the only gay people I can find in the area, I dont' fit in with. So I don't fit in with ANYone much and it hurts a lot.

No word from Scot on Nick. I'm assuming he's read his email, because experience has shown he checks it regularly. So I'm just going to drop that idea. Tonight, at the DiscussioNight thing, a guy named Jason came in. I met him once before at a party. I think he's cute, and interesting. When i saw him, I was reminded of this. Did I talk to him? Not much. Mainly because he hangs out with That Crowd and I dont' fit in. Plus I'm sure he's a stoner, etc. I mean,w hat do I have to do to find people like me? I have found severAL like me, but they are all freaking straight, which again pisses me off, because the people like me that I can find really aren't like me. It's an annoying cycle.

I'm sadly sliding down. It's fucking ridiculous, too. I mean, I'm doing WELL with money right now. I'm doing well with my exercise routine. Losing weight decently. Got more friends. Even got some guys interested in me.

But...

I met a guy this weekend at a party. His name, coincidentally, is Nick. He's very cute. Beautiful dark eyes and a smile. I told Kelly that he captivates me. I talked to him some (he was a friend of a friend). He's gay and as far as I know, not seeing anyone. Seemed cool, seemed smart, seemed nice. We chatted. He smiled at me a lot. I dunno. I was drunkish. Now, I'm crushing on him. And when I crush on someone, I lose ALL faith in myself. All confidence. All everything. I'm too fat. I'm not smart enough. I don't make enough money. I'm not cool enough. I laugh at the wrong things. I lose all self worth and spiral down because I know everywhere in my head and heart that the person on whom I am crushing won't like me back. And sadly, my logic is sound. At least, experience has told me this. But, I am trying to remina confident. I even asked our mutual friend in an email if Nick is seeing anyone, and if not, if he thought he'd be interested in going out with me. (No response yet, but I will see Scot tomorrow and will hopefully have an answer.)

I'm just lost right now. I hear all these good looking people lamenting being alone. They aren't good enough for others, they can't get the good looking people and here I am trying for a really cute guy. I just feel out of my leaugue and I hate that feeling because I know I'm good enough for anyone. Or I *should* be, anyway. But, damn you experience. Damn you.



SIDE NOTE: Back when I was still publicly hiding my sexuality and not discussing it in my blog, my blogs were funny and silly. Now they are just whiney entries about my lack of boyfriend. I'm sorry for that. Thankfully, Kelly is a great outlet for my silliness, and I'm happy to say that I am happy most of the time.

Whine whine whine
Kyle says I don't blog enough. He's right. But I don't want to whine all the time, and that's what I feel as if I do. "My life sucks," "I need a date," "I need more money."

Well, here's some good news: I've started work at dkARTS, as the manager of the coffee part. It's fun, a decent supplment to income, and it structures my day. Plus, I can take my computer and work. I meet tons of people, keep my social skills honed, and all kinds of other stuff, like free coffee.

My friend Hermes, whose step dad owns the comic shop here, and I have worked up a deal to do the shop's web site, which will garner me my backlog of comics I haven't bought over the last couple months, which will allow me to start buying again. Plus work with Hermes (pronounced Air-Mace), plus pad my port, plus do a fun project.

Currently, I'm letting the Chipmunks (trademark) teach me Flash MX 2004. Actually, it's disks from www.lynda.com, but the guy talks and goes too slowly for me, so I watch them in double time. It's fun. But I likely look insane while doing it. I'm over half way through, and next up is ActionScripting, where the real power of Flash comes in. I'm excited. I plan on incorporating Flash into future web designs.

I've been tres busy recently, especially with dk thrown in. I'm up to my eyeballs in work, but only because it's all drawn out, busy work,a nd we all know how I fare with that. It takes me FOREVER to do because I procrastinate.

Speaking of, I should get back to work.

Heading toward the Holga Closing tonight at dkARTS. I have a ton of photos up on the old 'wall' and am looking forward to seeing people there. I and about 8 other people have things on the wall, actually.

On the dating front, I am going out with a guy tomorrow night-ish. Don't know what we're doing yet, but it should be fun. He's a really nice guy.

Otherwise, money is doing okay. Not tight or anything. Not swimming in it, either.

Thinking of taking a position at dkARTS that was offered... it's the 'manager' of the coffee side. I think it'd be "hella" fun, but am concerned about a few things. But I have worked most of those things out, so I'm very close to saying yes. I'd be able to do design while there, 'cause it's sort of slow, and would only work 'til 2. It'd give some structure to my days and would give me a steady paycheck every week, which would be nice.

My hair was back to pure natural recently. No straightener, no color. But then I started looking like Rogue from X-Men, and had to color it today. But it's just still brown. I couldn't go looking like a skunk all day, now, could I?

In work, I'm working on dk's new web site, as well as a few web sites I've had going a while. Plus, some print jobs. Hooray money!

Well time to get ready for the show.

Woah!
So, Kelly & I were at Wal*Mart and we're abooouuut to leave and I see Everett. Walking right in our path. So I was all like Please don't see me but at the last second he saw me. So about that time Kelly recognizes him. So we stop and chat all awkwardly. He's lost a ton of weight but it looks almost sickly, to me. So he's complaining about school and how much it's costing him (and rightly complaining). So then we're all like awkward againa nd he says he won't detain us any longer and I thought he said "Call me" to me but all quiet. We say good bye and then we check out. Later, i say he looks like he lost a ton of weight but looks like it's in a bad way. Kelly says he's just SO gay. She says she thought she heard him say "Call me" but in a way that she wasnt' supposed to hear it. I dunno. I told her he'd be a distraction from my crappy life, but I don't think we should BE together or anything. It's just a lot of work, I guess. I need someone who i get along with, who makes me laugh and who I make laugh. I'm never gonna find the right kind of person, I think.

Hello, Everybody!
Okay so it's been a while. Get over it.

It's Christmas Time in the South
So Christmas was excellent. I got lots of things I wanted/needed/desired, and it was a great holiday. Family was great and all! Hooray for good holidays!

Boo BAD Holidays
New Year's Eve wasn't so great. I had a good time, and I discovered that mixing Sprite and lemon vodka is yummy, if you like that sort of thing, which I do. And spending time in Savannah was great, too, and it was a blast until midnight when it came crashing down upon my heart that I am alone. Still.

Odd Side Note
I learned today that David Z is joining the Army. The Army. For a 6-year stint. It's crazy. I told Andrew that it ALMOST made me want to call him. I guess I wish him luck in life, even though all he has ever seemed to wish me is pain.

dkARTS is Fun!
Spent Saturday at dkARTS helping them get things reordered after the break. Had a grand time! Also showed them how to post images on their home page.

Been Lazy
I have been sleeping WAY too much and doing way too little. Need to get re-energized. I need to go to the gym more and lose weight. Get skinny-ish. Maybe. At least healthy.

We Got CABLE!
Yep, cable! Enjoy! More laziness!

I think I'll go to the gym. After THE SIMPSONS.

Happy New year1 Don't Flog Me!
I'll blog soon. Nothing has happened. I got a hair cut. Or, gave it to myself. Here're some photos:



Talk to you soon.

And Another
Kyle weighs in on his 20 for me...

1. Rob Liefeld's biggest fan, just to be ironic
2. sure
3. a couple years i think
4. at silver city a couple years back
5. arrogant as hell, you talked crap about my x-factor comics and origin, although you were right about both
6. you ended up being right, and you're not arrogant really, except maybe about dr. evil impression
7. people
8. no
9. comics, art, friends
10. people, lack of comics, rob liefeld
11. lord of the rings, hellboy
12. hmm i dont know
13. pretty well id say
14. at your house a few months back in georgia
15. nope
16. maybe if you were forced
17. nicktastic
18. staying the same
19. yes
20. probably not

Angie Weighs in Her 1019
Angei is a friend, ex-girlfriend, former co-conspirator, etc., from high school. She answered the Top 20 about me....
1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. High School Bestest Bud--you know why
2. Am I lovable? Of course
3. How long have you known me?almost nine years
4. When and how did we first meet? Edisto. Mr. Abel's class
5. What was your first impression? Knowledgeable, captivating, and obviously awesome or I wouldn't have dated you
6. Do you still think that way about me now? yeah, with other insights
7. What do you think my weakness is? Fear of rejection
8. Do you think I'll get married? Yes and maybe have kids
9. What makes me happy? Being with people who understand and love you for you and watching all the latest movies--haven't ever changed
10. What makes me sad? The fear of never having someone to love you completely for who you are and let you love him/her back
11. What reminds you of me? Counting Crows, Floam, Philidelphia the movie, the prom(s), the name Billy, awesome last few years of highschool
12. If you could give me anything what would it be? A better past and a great relationship with your father
13. How well do you know me? on a scale of nine to ten? um...maybe a 6 and a half--though possibly an 8 or 9 before 1999
14. When's the last time you saw me? we met at that park down town Columbia, went to lunch at Applebees, and had icecream at Sandy's downtown Cola
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? Not in the past, yeah, now.
16. Do you think I could kill someone? Never. ONly in your mind
Mike andAngie B (12:03:37 AM):
17. Describe me in one word. Passionate
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same? More healthy
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen? Yeah, but it is possible you may not understand

I Am Amazed
Speaking of Ethan, the man just guessed ON THE FIRST TIME how to spell my name, "Nicholaus." That has NEVER happened to me. Ever. In my entire life has no one spelled my name correctly outside my family. So Ethan, being the printmaking sort of major that he is, and being the odd clothes weirdo that he is, has decided to make a shirt that says, "I Guessed How to Spell 'Nicholaus' and All I Got Was this T-Shirt," which is totally awesome.

My friend Ethan had this on his LiveJournal site, so I decided to put it here for you guys to answer about me:

1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I lovable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?"

Oh. My. God.
Lord of the Rings Return of the King was simply amazing. Amazing. I really don't have words, except like "dude" and "totally" and "wow."

It gave me chills like eight or nine times.

My Two Girls

This is Zoey, me and Kelly. We're the bestest of pals. Bask in our bestestness.

Sorry I'm a Loser
I don't blog much now 'cause I don't need to expunge as often. Which is good and bad.

I get new photos from my Holga rolls tomorrow... So I'll be uploading them to my Lomo site, http://www.lomohomes.com/deityofcereals

Hope you check 'em out. Should be some POPPING stuff!

Heya, Rex!
I think the last time I Blogged was during the Jurassic Period. Sorry. I usually don't blog when things are going decently. They are, too. dkARTS is cool. I have some new clients. Looks like the new year is going to be decent for money! Hooray!

OpenMic poetry night has been a blast every week at dk as well.

Still don't have a date or whatever. Still confused by those I want to date.

Kelly's birthday was fun. Bonfire. Vodka. Cake. The next day I felt like I swallowed a leaf and it got stuck, thanks to the weather and the chatting with James outside.

I'm currently about to watch NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS, I think, if I can get it to encode properly. Or at least quickly. The quad'spresso I'm on is wearing thin and I don't know if I'll make it.

Dam Spooky
I have uploaded my Lomo Photos to the web site... Check them out and let me know what you think in the Guestbook. This is the photoshoot from the new camera I mentioned before. I didn't get prints made; just scanned the film, and thus it's a little grainy, but it's cool. They are supposed to look like they do. The shoot is from a dam on Cypress Lake here in Statesboro.

Oh yeah...
I have GOT to find someone to date soon. It's driving me insane. ARGH!

The art project from last-last week's blog was awesome. We canoe'ed out to see the floating metallic sculptures after a good three-mile walk in the woods. Just me and Kelly on a canoe. Which is fun .And I don't remember how to spell canoe. Kanu. Kinoo. Canew. Canoe. It's canoe. But what is the verb form of canoe? Canoing? Or past-tense verb? Canoed? I dunno. after the canoe trip, we ran into the artist, which was cool, then into Desmal and Mary, who I'll remind you, are dating.

Let's See that in Slow-Mo...
I've been avoiding blogging 'cause everything that goes on gets oppressive to write about some times. So it's been action packed since my last blog. Here are the highlights:

Okay So You're Straight. Gotcha. Can I Have Some Coffee?
I forget if I mentioned this, but I found out that Desmal is straight. So no going down that road. Although I never really expected to. Just enjoyed the energy he created. Speaking of Desmal, he was showing someone this cool camera at the store the other day. It's called a Holga; it's a 120mm-film camera, which means it takes film bigger than 35mm. So it can be enlarged to like the "size of a car hood," as Desmal put it. Plus, it's a plastic cheap camera and used by photography enthusiasts because of its weird uniqueness. Every camera does different stuff; like vignettes, light leaks and so on. Each one gives different effects just based on the nature of its making. So I bought one (they are cheap, like $25) and shot my first roll of B&W film. However, it's not EASY to get processed in little ol' Statesboro and I will likely have bad scans to show tomorrow night. I hope it will jumpstart my enjoyment of photography again. I will post the photos on my site at www.lomography.com, which is the company that sells the Holga.

Thanksgiving Was Good! Wow!
Thanksgiving was good at my uncle's (Kelly & Zoey's dad). Surprisingly. My uncle and his wife were there, plus my parents, grandparents, Zoey, Kelly, Johnnie, Andrew, and Jessica (my nieces). Plus some of my aunt's family. Also, my aunt's son, Travis, who is a very cute guy. He gives me the gay vibe, too. And then later Kelly & Zoey said they also thought he was. But he's been married. Pff. Like THAT matters. But anyway, he and I shatted some and that was cool. I made cheesecake, which was yummy. And Vickie zinged Kelly, which was funny.

Snap snap snap
Last Tuesday, Kelly & I went to an open mic poetry reading at dkARTS. She read a poem and I read a few. Only about 8 people were there so it was fun and we'll be doing it again Tuesday.

In Work-Related News...
Work is picking up and I have made the bills this month. Christmas is driving home and I hope to have enough for presents and all, but figure I'll mostly be using Alicia Bea's credit for presents. Speaking of Alicia Bea's, I'm currently working on the web site now to get that going. I have the shells done and now have to populate it.

Also, for Dylan Cannon's web site, we're clooose to finishing and launching that. Plus he called me tonight and he sounds as cute as he looks. Sounded gay, too. Hooray for gay people to have a cute model on the team. But he could be straight. Who knows. He also plays guitar, which, in case no one knows, increases SexyPoints like 200 percent.

Bonfire, Beer, Birthday Cake
Thursday is Kelly's birthday. She'll be 25. Which, by the way, is getting OLD! I should know. Friday night we're having a party for her at Zoey's. You're all invited for the festivities, even if you don't know Kelly well. There's still gonna be beer (if you bring your own).

Been Sad
It's holidays, which always remind me of how alone I am. Plus the weekend before Thanksgiving was the weekend that the Justin & Nick saga thing stopped, so it's been prevelant in my mind that that was the last relationship i was in, and it was weak At best. I've been sort of down in the dumps since it seems EVERYONE has someone except me and it's Christmas and I can't be with anyone, but it's just like always so I dont' know why it bothers me any more...

Speaking of Which...
I am so conflicted about Jonathon. I like him, I don't like him. I like him, I don't like him. I can't tell if I like him 'cause I'm lonely or if I don't like him 'cause I am scared or something... He came over tonight for no reason (I invited him, but we did nothing) and I kept trying to figure out if I should kiss him. I never did. He left before 9 to go to another friend's to watch this HBO show called Canival, and said he might stop back by. It's 11. He won't. I never expected him to. Thus, I am alone again.

And the Pathetic-ness Continues
I IMed this guy today from XY.com 'cause his profile made me laugh and he was cute. But we chatted for like 10 seconds and he obviously wasn't interested so, oh well. Life apparently goes on.

Oh Christmas Tree
We get a tree tomorrow. Wheee!

Oh Sofa Thing
I got the sofa/chaise lounge thingy from Alicia Bea's. It's a huge sectional thing that is a sofa and chaise lounge all in one. The lounge thingy is like a twin bed. They whole thing is huge!

That About Covers It
In case I haven't mentioned it, Gothika was cool, Cat in the Hat was good if you like Mike Myers (and I do, athankyou!), and Santa Clause 2 was not a total waste of time. I also watched Gummo (freaky) and Bowling for Columbine (awesome), as well as Bruce Almighty (I like THIS Carrey) and X2 (which, of course, I enjoyed!).

And The Winnah Is...
There's no actual "winnah" but here's my new hair style...

Miles to Go Before I Blog
I haven't forgotten. I just have sooo much to blog about. My trip to Florida was not good. My grandfather died the morning after we arrived. So we got to see him, but he was in horrible shape. I took a journal along and wrote what equals about 6 or 7 pages in it. That's a good deal of writing for a 36-hour time. Maybe I'll scan or type up the pages and post them.

Today was the first day back and I got caught up with work mostly.

Tonight, kelly, Chris, Heather and I went to see Gothika. It was a fun movie! Check it out if you wanna be spooked.

Also tonight I showed some stuff to Desmal for his art project. He loved the ideas, which is cool. I'm glad I'm a positive influence on this and not someone he's humoring. In addition, about Gothika, we watched the trailer to it and he said, "That's not something mary'd go see," so I took the opportunity to ask if they were dating. They are. So there we go. And the crush is pretty much gone, except I still think he's an awesome person and artist.

Then Chris, heather and I came back home to play SceneIt?. I won the two games we played, although the last one was reeeaaallly close.

Tomorrow, Kelly & I and whomever else go to an art project at a lake. More about that after we get back. Gonna take the digital, too.

Speaking of photos, I got my hair cut and will post photos later as well.

Good night.

Tell Me THIS Didn't Uplift My Spirits
My stuff is after the carrots (>) and Desmal's response if the normal text...
> Hey, Desmal!

Hello Nick, how is your morning?

> I have the draft here of the three cards. I just picked the first three in
> number order, and like I said, we can obviously switch ‘em out. I don’t know
> if the crop is like you want.. I was trying to maximize the size of the
> image on the card, but you might want more black around, etc. Just let me
> know.

I have been unable to open the files here at home...I have what i call
a "country connection"(I am on telephone lines that may have existed since
prehistoric times)and that may be holding up a large file. I will check again
at the university today. I trust your mad graphic design skills and look
foward to seeing the work.

> I never went to school for any art. All I had was that bad experience in
> high school I told you about the other day. So being around you guys, seeing
> you do your art—it’s very cool to me, very inspiring. I think your work
> specifically is great, and I love the thought and expression and effort and
> meaning you put behind it. You don’t take pictures. You use a camera to make
> art. (That’s at least the way I see it.) I like that. It makes me think of
> my stuff differently and I really appreciate that. I’m very glad to be part
> of this project, too.

Art cannot be learned at school, only encouraged through the education of
technical process's and the assisted development of conceptual thought. Art
exsists within and lies in the ability to commit to ideas, i.e., follow up on
thoughts and ideas and then create those visions into a medium that is
accessible to others. At least, thats my take. When I speak of you, i speak
of an artist, for your work dictates that persona. Last night, Mary and I had
a great conversation on how positive and uplifting it has been to meet and work
with you. You have brought a new element and fresh ideas to the table, as
artists, we are always excited about that element of life, the interpretation
and reinterpretaion. Your style kicks ass, your web site is great, available
to various levels of individuals(I got it and was xcited to follow through the
links on your site..and i am not graphic design oriented, I only know what
appeals to me and the elements that cause that reaction to take place.)Mary,
however does have some background in Graphic design and says that your style is
very unique and cutting edge. We both have appreciated seeing and hearing your
ideas. thanks for sharing with us.

I appreciate your kind words concerning my work, it is always beneficial to
have new insight into the work one is producing. It helps to fan the fire when
ideas you hope you are portraying are picked out and commented on, such as, the
camera being a tool for the creation, much like that of the painters brush,
thanks.

> Since you shared, you can see some of my less educated stuff at
> http://art.kaskcreativity.com if you’d like.

Awesome, great pen and ink drawings, I am unsure what Vector (i am assuming some
type of computer manipulation of an image)is but enjoyed the imagery. The self
portraits were great, your cover shot looked a little clean shaven compared to
the portrait in Holding Sign, that was great to see both, brought alot of life
to the image. Of course, Man with COffee...well, gotta love it, didnt take it
to be a marker drawing though, looked almost like a wash of watercolors or
thined out gouache..nice. You have got mad skills and use of compostion...look
foward to seeing more. the photos, I was particulary drawn to bird, Moss in
trees, and pedal...bird, snared me from first glance, it appears to be the last
song bird left, sitting in brumble(that may be a new word) of branches, the
soft edges really make that image pop, along with the deep hues. I have to
admit, after critiquing an assload of photoI classes in savannah, when i saw
Moss in Trees, i was a little worried, but, great suprise when i opened the
image, turned out to be one of my favs. ANd it may be so because it takes on
the appearance of a pen and ink drawing, it becomes a nice pattern of line and
organic shapes, the image definitly works, and evokes a pleasent sense of
solitude. Pedal, going back to moss on trees, becomes a great compostion of
shapes, once again, becoming very much like an ink drawing, it controls the
viewers gaze through the use of positive/negative space...and when you want to
nail it down as a photo you look up and see the feathering of the edges of the
pedal...sweet image. Sunrise, I gotta know, what planet was that on...I wanna
go! it has ben ahwile since i have seen some of those characters under comics,
such as Iron Fist,I thought i was the only guy that read his comic! Some of
the characters i was unfamiliar with such as Enigma, Generator and Witch Blade,
but all hellacool. I went through a period of photographing spines, backs,
shoulderblades, so your witchblade sketches were pleasant to see, another
artists interpration of that body area. Thanks for the art experience.

> I’ll try to stop by tomorrow evening so we can chat about the direction of
> the cards, but feel free to email or call if you have any thoughts or ideas,
> and I can have them ready for the evening.

Look foward to seeing you, enjoy the day.
peace.desmal

The Internet Bores Me
I find myself looking at the same sites every day hoping for a change. CHANGE! Also, you guys need to update your blogs (coughcraigcough sneezekylesneeze). Or I guess I can just read the blogs of people I don't know... which is either really cool or really sad.

That Chime Makes Me Jump Every Time
So I've been conversing with Desmal some in email recently about his project. He wrote this morning a lot about it and it was cool. Then he threw in a comment that ELF was very funny and all. So I tried to casually comment on his and Mary Beth's relationship. So alllll daaay I've been checking my email waiting for a reply (about the whole email, too). Every time I get an email I'm like "oh!" And then no. No reply yet. Angie asked if I hope he's gay. I told her I wasn't really hoping, that I just didn't know. And when you have a crush on someone, you don't really want them attached. I just like being around him. It's inspiring. I need inspiration.

Dichotomy of Self
I've surrounded myself with some artists and I feel in awe and inadequate. I know I'm an artist. But I've never been trained. I feel like I know so little when it comes to them. I feel like I paint in the dark. Like I draw in the air. Like I have no clue what I'm doing so I do somehting and hope someone likes it. It sort of reflects my life, I guess. I think I'm just trying to find where I belong.

Around people like Desmal and Mary and Danny and Scot and the rest, who have formal training, I feel like an idiot. And I don't like to feel inferior. So I feel myself trying to separate myself from them already. Thinking negatively, like "They don't really want me around; they're being nice." And then i chastise myself for these things, which are born of fear. I need this kind of interaction. And what other way to learn the techniques, right?

I'm off to paint some, even if it is digitally since I can't really afford supplies.

Where Everyone Else Is
I spent the evening at dkARTS and went with Desmal and Mary Beth (who I can't tell if she is dating him; she mentioned "their" printer, but they never seemed coupley; I have decided to casually find out next time) to a digital photography show, which also had another friend, Jennie's, work. It was cool to feel the culture and all. Afterwards, Desmal invited me to see ELF with him and Mary, but I dind't feel I could handle it so I politely passed, even though he aske da few times if I were sure. Then while driving away I got mad at myself for doing so. But it's good I don't spend TOO much time with him, I think.

Kelly's at a bar watching a friend of a friend perform music or something. i think Zoey went as well. As time goes by I see myself separating more and more from the bar scene, as I have never really liked it anyway.

Today, I went to Savannah with Jonathon. I had a stressful day for no reason, but everything annoyed me. The poeple in lines. The people in front of us in the cars. Our servers at various places. That is why I opted out of a party tonight with him. Well, one of the reasons (don't want to be around a lot of people). Another is I don't want to be around drunk people, as I am rebelling against that.

I think I should write more, too. I think I'm good at it as well. It's in words I find my voice most. Art usualyl feels more like motions to me, like I'm just doing the mechanics. But with words, I can create better.

And the Painting
I can't remember if I posted a link to my painting, so here it is.

Busy Busy Busy
Okay I've been really busy with work and mostly exhausted in the afternoon. But that's a good thing; I'm drumming up lots of business!

The Jonathon Debacle
Well, it's not really a debacle. he came over to hang out the other night and after drinking two bottles of wine or so, we started making out. Nothing went below the neck, but it was fun and all. But he has these intimacy issues so it got awkward but the air is pretty clear now. We're going to Savannah tomorrow for to hang out.

My New Home
I have fallen in love with dkARTS, the new art store/coffee house in town. The premise itself is awesome enough, but the people who run it are amazing. It's an woman and her nephew. And man, I have a crush on him. Kelly and I hung out there tonight for like 2 hours and had a great time just chillin' with him. We even forgot to pay, so we had to go back and pay!

He's a photography in grad school and for his thesis he's doing this cool project and I'm gonna help him out with putting the package together.

I also redesigned their menu today.

I Was Bored
Yeah so Kelly was on the phone so I drew this on my hand.

Lookit ME! LOOKIT MEEE!

Just thought I'd share.

I Bow to the Gods of UV
Hooray! Thanks to the modern day science miracles, I can get a tan from a bed. So Nick is staying tanned all winter!

("Tanned" for me is basically "not blinding in a black light"...)

Do Zombies Eat DOG Brains?
After Kelly went to Derek's for Joe Dirt, I decided to call the other Kelly, whom i saw at Wal*Mart today, and see if she and Amara wanted to hit some coffee. With a little persuading, they did and we had a BLAST! We went to The Daily Grind and laughed at the people and ourselves, and had conversations about pirate bears, zombies, the rainforest a woman was wearing, and breaking ankles, among many other things. I kept them out longer than they wanted with my unending charm, and then we departed.

In addition, I emailed Angie, an old girlfriend, and she responded. Weird how life is and all that.

The Twins
Tonight Kelly and I went to the gym. I tanned for 15 then went to the treadmill. And RIGHT in front of me, working his triceps, is one of the Twins. No clue which. didn't matter. This was the one with the goatee, for the record.

Today, I painted. I'll post the pic when it's developed, as the canvas is 36x48. It was for my dining room, and is based on the work of Rothko.

Today I also bought some gifts for Jessica and Allie's birthdays.

And I have a meeting in the morning with a potential client. Woohoo! Thanks, Alicia!

This morning at Wal*Mart, I ran into Kelly (the one from the party) and am gonna call in a bit to see what they are up to. My Kelly went to Derek's to watch (ugh) Joe Dirt, so I passed on that, as I was invited.

I also gave The Eye to a couple guys who were obviously gay, and were cute. They just stared blankly at me. I need to develop My Eye, I guess.

Kids...
My biggest and maybe only regret for my sexuality is the possibilty of no kids. The very strong possibility. My biological clock is ticking away like crazy and I see babies all around.

Bridget and Mordechai have kids the same age and I hear about Morts' all the time. I have heard about Allie (Bridget's) since she was born as well. Now, my old high school girlfriend Angie is supposedly adopting.

I just want a kid.

Oh yeah...
Bridget IMed me out of the blue this weekend and we've been catching up. Weird. Haven't spoken to her in about a year, I think. Maybe just several months.

The Last Few Days
Well, I don't blog often enough and it gets backlogged and then I don't blog because I have too much to talk about. But I'm on hold for "technical support" for my DSL so I can get my username/password with Frontier so Johnnie and Zoey can log in with the dial up access... so I figured I'd blog. I'll go in reverse, maybe...

And it Happened in a Flash (Foods)
I have been watching this guy named Shane who works at the local Flash Foods. Been tyring to determine his gaynitude. Been trying to work up the courage to ask him out.

Tonight, I did.

Don't worry-- the Curse held out.

I went in, bought some chocolate milk. He was very friendly. I watched him while on the phone with Bill and he was friendlier to me than anyone else. So I went in, bought the milk, chickened out and left.

I went to the car and decided to go back in. But then I felt stupid and chickened out. So i flipped a coin. And it told me to go in. But I decided Johnnie was waiting in this info, so I decided to come back home, get the info, call him, then go back. I came home, all the while psyching myself up:

You're a good looking guy. He'll like you. You're smart. And funny. You're hilarious. You can do this. And if he says no, it's no big deal. he won't say no. 'Cause you're a good looking guy... It repeats itself from there.

I couldn't get the info for Johnnie when i got home, so I brushed and primped and went back. Watched for when he was alone in the store-- no customers. Went in. Right up to him. Here is the exchange:

Nick (witha determined look): So, I was wondering if you'd go out with me.
Shane (with a confused look): What?
Nick (less determined looking now): Uh, I was wonderinf if you'd like to go out.
Shane (with an embarrassed, oh-he-just-asked-me-out-how-do-I-deal-with-this look): Uh.... I'm dating someone. Sorry.
Nick (trying to be cool): Ah, that's cool.
Shane (with pity):But I appreciate it...
Nick (trying to salvage my esteem, which was by this time, spread out all over the counter): Sure thing. Well, I guess I'll see ya.
Shane (probably with relief): See ya.

So I walked out and got in the car and drove away. THIS is what I told myself, in the same route as when I was psyching myself up.

Okay, he's a cute guy, that's probably true. But it might not be. He just blew me off 'cause he's not attracted to me. I'm cursed. How come I can never date ANYone and no one is available? How come someone is confused or dating someone or hundreds of miles away or not out or what... Why am I cursed? No, it's okay. You did a good job and you went in there and asked him out. Lots of people are scared to do even that, especially gay people in a small Georgia city. It was good. Next time will be easier. And maybe if they stop dating, he'll ask you out. You're cursed. No, he's a cue guy and it's probably true. It repeats from there.

So wheeee. Scorned again. Thanks, life.

My Dad's Dad
My grandfather, who is late-70s, has recently been diagnosed with lung cancer of some sort. years back he had a heart attacked. I also remember problems with his prostate. He's gone through chemotherapy recently. Now, he has pneumonia. He's in the hospital. So my parents are going to to Florida to see him. My dad wants to make sure he sees him before he's gone, because it doesn't look good.

So I had to go get their animals and take them to my other grandparents. Round trip it was about 3.5 hours of driving and took my whole day up. But it's no big deal.

I'm not pretending to think my grandfather is going to be okay. I'm also not pretending to be seriously concerned. yes, he's my grandfather and yes I care about his health, but I don't know him. I can probably count on my fingers the number of times I've seen them in my life. And it's not for lack of trying. But I won't get into it. I'm just saying I won't be especially affected if he dies. That's sad, but it's the truth.

Joe Is A Nut
We had friends over last night and we played a new game called "SceneIt?" It's a movie-trivia game. It was me, Kelly, Zoey, Johnnie, Heather and her new guy, Joe. Then later, Brent came over. We had a great tiume. I couldn't get drunk though, even though I tried: 5 or 6 shots of Johnny Walker Red, a shot of tequila and buttery nipple chasers for them all. I felt nothing. Either I'm too tolerant or Johnny Walker is cancelled out by Irish Creme.

Joe is crazy, especially when drunk (he met me shot for shot and got trashola'd). He's fun, funny, crazy, and I like him. And he likes me. Heather was happy, I think.

Woah. And Jonathon.
I saw Matrix Revolutions and i thought it was great. I thinnk THE MATRIX is my favorite of the three, but Revolutions was an awesome ending, a well done movie and a great way to spend some time and money. Although, Jonathon and I went and he paid for the tickets. And the coffee. I bought dinner at Sonic. It was just like a date except it wasn't. I wound up going back to his house and we watched a movie (Species) in his room, then talked for a long time. I went home at 5:30 in the morning. (That good ol' curse again; we talked about all kinds of gay stuff, EXCEPT us).

Justin
I talked to Justin last week and he had good news. When his and John's lease is up in whatever the hell city they are in in Alabama, they plan on moving to Savannah, which they have never visited. But they wanna move there. Which is cool. so they will be visiting soon, and hopefully Justin and I can be good friends. I just need to get a boyfriend before June. Or the Curse will strike again.

New Furniture
I got the Alicia Bea's account and money will be good from it. Peripherial accounts will grow from it, as Alicia is very prominent. and she gave me $4800 in store credit as part of the deal. So I'll be getting new furniture and all. Awesome!

I'd Make HIM Sneeze...
Today was a great day. The morning was boring... VERY boring. Then Kelly got home from her testing and we went to celebrate with a margarita. Then we got my hair did. And then we watched Finding Nemo (great movie, see it). Then we went to Ruby Tuesday to celebrate Joe's 17th birthday. One of the waiters was hizzot. And that was all. Now, Derek's on his way over and we're all going to watch Legally Blonde 2.

Alaska can come, too.
Go check this out.

And BESIDES Halloween...
Saturday was pretty lazy. We got up at about 11 after going to bed at 5 a.m. Then Bo, Chelsea (yeah, I probably spelled that wrong) and Evan stopped by before Chlesea and Evan went to Augusta. I burned a copy of KILL BILL V1 to DVD for Evan.

Kelly went out Saturday night. I was tired so I stayed in, except when I went to the gym. She had a good time and they were on a date for like 9 or 10 hours. I told her the next day (I met him briefly before their date) that he was good looking but I wasnt' attracted to him, which is good, 'cause most of her others dates I have been.

Mmmm the gym. Kelly bought memberships for us both to this great 24-hour gym. It also has free tanning, which Mordechai has labeled as "yuppy." I've been every day since the 30th at least once, some times twice. I want to be "hot" by the summer next year (six months).

Today I am sore and sunburned, though. Haha.

You might remember the twins from the fair. Those two hot identical guys. They (or, at least one of them) goes to our gym and he's still way hot.

Sunday brought us to a lazy day with beautiful weather, and a lot of the family went to play putt putt. I apparently don't know my own strength, and I suck at the game. I got the worst score of six people. I think the whole 18 have like a par of about 40 and I had like 70-something as a score.

Then Kelly went to Monica's to study for her state board exam for her LPN license thing. That's where she is right now. I wish her the best of luck, but I know she doesn't need it. She's incredibly nervous. After that (the studying), we went to Derek's to watch a movie. Jonathon was there as well. He was actually fun that night, and he WASN'T drinking. Well, that I know of.

Yesterday (Monday) was horribly boring. I spent Sunday night downloading Panther, the new Mac OS X version. I installed it and spent Monday morning getting everything working properly. The software is nice and I always love having the latest stuff.

Work is picking up, but it just might be a peak instead of a valley. I hope it stays constant. I got a new account last week: Alicia Bea's. It's a great furniture store owned and run by a rich woman. I like her. Her family is rich. She's great, I like working with her and I like her approach to the business. It is going to be a fun account. We have yet to finalize the details, but I will post them here as soon as I know.

And the Bearded Lady Gave Me Her Number
So Halloween. I'm finally getting around to talking about Halloween. It was great.

I unsuccessfully dressed as Dr. Evil. The bald cap just didn't cooperate with my Tom Welling-esque hair. But the rest was good, including the painted white shoes. So Kelly in her dyke-ish frau costume and I made our way to her mom's house for the Halloween party, complete with all kinds of teenagers who were, well, teenagery. But it wasn't too bad.

Then we moved on to Jonathon/Montine/James' party (it was also James' birthday). And the fun commenced. Kelly & I had stopped at our house for a change, so we were in plain clothes. But we arrived to have Derek bounding towards u s in all his cute straight boy glory in, well, in a thong. A leopard thong. And a bow-tie. He was Party Boy from MTV's Jackass. I averted my eyes and kept moving. He humped Kelly, I think. I took the alcohol in, and there I saw Ben, Kelly's ex. Red alert! Red alert!

I go back out to find Derek clothed (d'oh!) and whisper to Kelly that he's there and for her to be prepared. Then Michelle finds me. I met her at another party. She loves me 'cause I'm gay. So she attached herself to me for a while so she could have someone to talk to and then I felt her up a few times, as a joke. We were explaining my gaynitude to someone, I think.

Then a girl with whom I made out came over to say Hi. She remembered my name. I didn't remember hers. So I was all like "Hey! How ya doing!?"

Back outside, I meet Joe, Heather's new boyfriend. He seemingly falls in love with me instantly and insists he have a shot of vodka with me, so we go to do that. I don't think he's aware of my sexuality at this point. But he is a cool guy.

Back outside again, Jonathon is in drag with a few other people. I sot next to Derek and he and I are chatting and this guy catches my eye. Not because he's cute, but because he's gay and my alarm went off. So I'm looking at him funny and Derek is trying to figure out what I'm doing. Right as the words "That guy looks gay" are forming in my mouth, Derek catches my line of gaze and says, "Oh, that's Jonathon's brother," and then I don't have to say anythign but "ooooh. That explains it." See, like Jonathon, his older brother Andy is gay. Really gay. He is also standing with a girl with a shaved head and a woman with a beard. It will be a while before I get a hicky.

So after a while, some people, including Larry, convince Kelly and me to go to another party. We follow Jonathon and all to this house, where Larry has told me *I* will really enjoy it. I assume it's a gay party. It's not, but there are gay people there. So I then meet Amara (like Tamara)-- the bearded lady. She and I click RIGHT off. She thinks I'm straight for a while, although I thoguht she thought I was gay. So I had to drop hints later on. One of the things we click about are some old TV shows and we're naming RANDOM 80s shows and at the same time we both say "AUTOMAN!" and die laughing. We hang out for a while. We'r ein a black-lit room, so my white t-shirt is glwoing and I take off my button down. And then it reminds me that I'm wearing silver (yes, silver) underwear so i show them and then everyone talks about their underwear. Larry says he's not wearing any, and I check to see, thinking he actually is. No, he's not, so I wind up running my hand all over his ass, semi-accidentally. I think he, in all his 'straightness', enjoyed it.

Soon we leave that party to go back to the other one. We plan on stopping back by because Montine got all baby when we left for the other one. But then we're there like 15 minutes and are trying to convince Megan, Larry's girl, to go back to the other party. But here's where my night does a kink.

I take the alcohol in. A full bottle of vodka and Kelly's portable margarita stuff. I set my vodka down onthe stove with the shot glass turned upside down on it. I turn away to chat. i turn back and the bottle is gone. Shot glass remains.

I look EVERYwhere. Nowhere. I am pissed and from then on only have one shot of vodka from someone else and a shot of rum from Ben. But oh well. Back to the party.

Right as we decide to go, Amara, Kelly (shaved head Kelly from earlier) and Andy show up, so we don't have to leave. Amara and I click back and I meet Kelly. She's a lesbian and loves the fact that I'm gay. I'm in her brotherhood.

Later, Kelly-Lesbian makes out with a dude. I cannot fault her.

Amara licks my neck, several times. "You taste so GOOD!" She gives me a few small hickies. I never kissed her 'cause of the beard. Later, she writes her number on my chest, but I tell her event hen i cannot make it out. She and Megan exchange numbers, so i can get it from Megan.

I stay away from Andy for the most part 'cause of Jonathon hating him.

Ben gets too drunk. I chat with him about his head-on-a-platter costume (he is in a wheelchair, you see). Kelly chats with him. They clear some air. Later, when we leave, Ben falls down and we stop to help him. he shoots us the bird, because he's embarassed, but we help him anyway and I wheel him into the house. Kelly convinces him to stay.

Derek at some point took off his pants again and I gained control of them. I kept them while pictures were taken. he wa s agreat sport and even let Montine put a dildo up to his ass. While pics were taken. Jenny, who took them with her digital, promises to send me files. I'll post when I can.

Megan and I chat. She adores me. We smack lips a couple times, more of a friend thing. I hug on Larry some, feeling he's a beer away from making out with me. I went to fix his collar once and he puckered his lips. I embarassed him when I called attention to it. "If you want me to kiss you, I will," I told him. I didn't kiss him.

Kelly and I got home at 5 a.m. after going out at 7 p.m. It was a great night. Neither of us got drunk, but stayed healthily buzzed. Neither of us were hungover.

And Another
This one is called "Johnny's Green Life"

Johnny sat in the green straight-back chair closest to the entrance to the doctor's office. He'd sat in the same spot dozens of times before, always the same chair. It was a tradition now, a ritual, every month. Johnny lived a lifetime in that chair, always hoping for the best, always expecting the worst.

It never came. Every month, the same. The same green chair and the same nervous walk to the green observation room. Same thing from Dr. Johansen and his green eyes: "Same as the last time, Johnny. Congratulations."

But it was never the same to Johnny because it was always the same to Johnny.

He'd decided already. He was tired of the waiting. Tired of the same. Tired of the green chair. If it came back the same this time, he'd just end it all.

"Johnny, he'll see you now."

Johnny stood from the green chair and walked down the green hall and into the green office.

The doctor came in a few minutes later: "Johnny..."

Johnny knew it. The same. Over and over and over again, for the rest of his life. Well, it would end. He was sick of the green.

"I'm afraid the tests came back positive." He stood there, his green eyes down. "You have AIDS."

Johnny sat there in the green room in a green straight back chair. And his life turned green.

And johnny smiled. Finally, it wasn't the same. Finally, he could live again without the fear. He looked at the doctor's green eyes and smiled with his red lips.

Today's Reading Will be From...
Last night I found a bunch of old art--drawings and writings. So I scanned a lot and put them in my art site. And now I'm typing some of the handwritten pieces.

This one is called "Just Be"

Stand outside yourself for a moment. Just two seconds. Step outside and experience the universe as something other than yourself.

Be brave. Be afraid. Be lime green. Be a ferret. Be the little crust in your eyes when you wake up. Be the upholstery on your favorite chair. Be sorrow. Be joy.

Be anything but you.

and for two seconds, one incredibly small moment in your otherwise nothing-life, just BE. Learn what it is to live a lifetime in a blink—to be born, grow, become old and yellow and died, all in the time it takes for a clock's second-hand to move tick, tick. Learn to move, to feel, to flow, all at once and not at all. learn what it is to be fume of heat rising off hot asphalt— exist while not existing.

Step out.

Forget.

Remember.

Forget again.

Drop the facade of everyday life, where you create a face and exist behind that face and fear losing that face— just drop the facade. Exist as the pure. Exist as the essence. Exist. Let go. Live in the moment as your last. Realize the it's the small things in life, the specific, the minutia, the tiniest of cause for an effect, the beat of a butterfly's wings, the smallest rotation of the planet, and the tick, tick of a second-hand.

Stand outside yourself for one moment. And live.

35 Random Things About Me

• I didn't learn to tie my shoes until after second grade.
  
• I can't go a day (and rarely an hour) without making some reference to an "Austin Powers" movie, and do a spot-on Dr. Evil impersonation.
  
• Sometimes I drool in my sleep.
  
• I have moved at least 40 times in my life.
  
• I changed schools more than a dozen times.
  
• I broke my clavicle in 8th grade playing football at recess. I didn't report it until the next day. By the time I saw the doctor, I was "medically deformed."
  
• I won't have sex with anyone until I feel there could be a soul-level connection.
  
• I once went one week without eating.
  
• I have a deep-seated obsession with Tom Welling.
  
• I am addicted to Sprite, although not medically.
  
• I was made fun of in middle school during gym for "running on my toes."
  
• I walked to school in part of third and part of fourth grade, through half-ghetto Augusta, GA.
  
• I designed my first professional web site in about 1998. I've done probably 100 since.
  
• I am completely self taught when it comes to design and software.
  
• I have been published in about half a dozen comics, including ones I published myself.
  
• Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" has changed my life.
  
• So has Harry Potter.
  
• My favorite "scents" are peppermint and cinnamon, but not together.
  
• My favorite natural scent is the smell after it rains.
  
• My favorite sounds are breaking glass and a ring when you drop it. (I guess I like chaotic noises.)
  
• I love the mall. I like Wal*Mart. I hate thrift stores.
  
• I used to be exceedingly arrogant, and even today after working years to extinguish that trait, it still pops up.
  
• I have been online since 1996 (America Online, BEFORE there was an unlimited usage level), although long before that I muddled around CompuServe's comic book bulletin boards when visiting my aunt and uncle.
  
• No one has EVER spelled my name correctly, and I have only seen it spelled the same way once in my life-- in a comic book, of all places, and that was just this year.
  
• I moved out of the house at 21 years old. And moved back in at 21. Then my PARENTS moved out when I was 21 and that was the end of that. (Now you might get that whole "moved 40 times" thing.)
  
• I once spent a year at the Department of Juvenile Justice-- but I was mentoring a "resident."
  
• I have had five dogs in my life; I cannot begin to count the number of cats.
  
• I have found that I'm probably borderline obsessive compulsive about two things-- 1) When at a restaurant, I always move used dishes, paper, trash, etc. to the edge of the table for the waitstaff to get. It drives me insane to have a cluttered table. 2) I absolutely have to empty my computer's "trash" folder if there's anything in it. I just can't leave it "full."
  
• I once lost a spelling bee in third grade for misspelling "skeleton." I was never in a spelling bee again.
  
• I enjoy diagramming sentences, although I haven't actually done one in while. Except in my head.
  
• Sometimes when thinking, I place punctuation in my thoughts. IE, I will think, "I need to go the store comma but I forgot what for period."
  
• I have a photographic memory that can be extended into a cinematic memory. I remember things as movies, and I pause them to read things.
  
• I am a consummate multi-tasker. For example, I can follow three or so conversations at once. It annoys friends who think I am not listening, until I rattle off the last 60 seconds or so of what they said. I guess it's still rude, though.
  
• I came to terms with my sexuality in January 2002. I was 23.
  
• The first CD I ever bought and loved was Counting Crows' "August and Everything After." It was a revelation to me to have an album that you knew every word to. I have loved the Crows since.
  
• There is no doubt about it: I am my worst critic.
  

Art
James Jean is an awesome artist. He does the covers to a comic I read, but is amazing. I wish I could pull off that sort of stream-of-conciousness art he seems to do in his sketches and all. Check out his travel books.

Prozac
I am apparently being slipped some Prozac or something, 'cause I've been in a great mood since Saturday morning.

"Did He Call His Penis A 'Joint'?"
Kelly and I watched movies Sunday. We watched BOAT TRIP, which was this horrible horrible movie where Cuba Gooding Jr. had to pretend to be gay on a gay cruise to gett he only girl on the ship. Never have I seen a more base portrayal of 'real" gay people in my life, where EVERYONE is wearing gaudy-colored pants that are too tight, half the guys are wearing cowboys hats, and a third of them have some sort of horrendous lisp and/or Latino accent. Also, throw in a sex-crazy older man, a cross-dressing fat guy and some drag queens. Also, EVERYONE on the boat is good looking. If this is gay life, you can keep my boarding pass. Even the "lesson" that gay people are people too was forced and stupid, especially when being crammed out of Horatio Sans' (the uber-straigth guy who thought he might be gay after he thought he slept with a guy but didn't) mouth.

Anyway, we also watched this movie called JOSHUA, that we thought would be a neat sort of movie where there's this strong spititual underflow. But no. Christianity was slammed down out throats. Had some nice moments, though.

But the best was A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. The first one. Hadn't seen it in a while. It stars a way young Johnny Depp who likes to wear clingy sweat pants and cut-off football jerseys. Oh and some other kids, too. People die, things are snarled. You know, that old chestnut. But it was fun to laugh at the 80s, that's for certain. There was one point where I kept saying, "What did he just say?" like three times in a row (about three different things). One of them was when one kid referred to his penis as "this joint." What the fuh--? What were we thinking in that decade? I forget the others, but they were bad. Plus, shoulder pads were not a good idea.

Insert Title Here
Well it's Sunday now. Wheee. Kelly's making beef stew for today's lunch. Mmmmm beeef stew. I need to do laundry. This is the longest I've gone without doing laundry, and I am still amazed that I have a huge mass of clothes still in my closet. Today I am wearing a pair of shorts I'm sure I haven't worn in a year or more.

Crazy Dutch Bastard
I'm dressing as Dr. Evil for Halloween. I do the voice exceedingly well, and so it'll be fun. Kelly's going to be Frau Farbissina. I ordered the bald cap, scar makeup and the Dr. Evil pinky ring the other day. It will probably get here too late, though, because I am me and I have my luck. Last night Kelly and I went to Zoey's. Bo came over as well. And we all (well, most of us) carved pumpkins. We have four in total now: a bat flying in some trees, a witch brewing in a cauldron (although the witch's hat got messed up and now it look smore like a KKK member), a butterfly I designed for Kelly that says BOO on one wing and 2003 on the other, and one with Dr. Evil's face where he is putting his finger to his mouth (I did this one of course). I plan on doing another with either Neo or Morpheus on it for Joe. Pictures will be posted when they get developed.

We also played three rounds of Cranium and had pork chops.

Political Discussions when Drunk
Friday night I went to a party at a friend's. I don't enjoy things a lot when I am the only gay person there. For you guys out there, it's like going to a party where everyone is a woman and you aren't allowed to hit on ANY of them. But anyway, I started discussing politics with a lawyer. He was one of those "knows everything" guys, but he was a good discussionist, so it was fun. Because I don't care about politics and the only thing I follow currently is same-sex marriage stuff, that's the thing we duscissed and it was interesting. I got an interesting perspective and so did he.

I also got way drunk... the kind of drunk that styas with you for hours after you stop drinking, too. I had one margarita and then ate and didn't drink again until that margarita's effect wore off. Then I had another. Then when that was gone, someone broke out the vodka. I was like "Aroo!?" It was damnd 100 proof vodka, too (50% alcohol), and I only had three shots of it. Five hours later I go to bed still drunk and so on Saturday I was hungover a little bit. Headache and stuff.

(Also, the drunkedness makes me go places in my head I do not like, so THAT was fun. But I talked to Craig a little bit and then I talked to Matt a lot. Thanks, guys.)

Back to Sunday
I bought comics on Friday thanks to Heather's very generous donation to my comic book fund. So I was telling Kyle what I got last night in IMs. Kyle's my comic book buddy. (--And a great friend otherwise as well.) But I was tired and stuff from carving pumpkins and being up late and not sleeping and playing Cranium and such, and so Kyle and I didn't talk much. And I went to bed. Kyle IMed while I was asleep and suggested I blog more often since I don't talk to him as much lately. He's not wrong. I am weird and annoyed at myself for it. I have all these things in my head all the time and I just try not to let them out. Some are gay things, some are not. I don't have a lot going on in my life right now. It's boring. I sit at my desk in my room all day. I type things. I build web sites or brochures. Maybe one a day if my bank account is lucky. And then Kelly comes home and we do nothing or we go out.

I always just assume my crap is too boring to hear and that you guys don't really care if I played Cranium or ate pork chops. So I am going to try to do better and chat with my friends more. Just please don't get mad if it's about a cute guy or somethign like that.

No Matter How You Toss the Dice
I had a weird revelation yesterday about my past. I remembered kindergarten. I remembered a friend of mine, this boy named Cory. I can still remember what he looked like-- tall, skinny, short cut brown hair. I remember going on a trip and he and I sat together in the bus. I remember being happy about that. And we sang the song "Imagine Me & You" (or whatever it's called). I think I had a crush on him, in my 5-year-old way. I didn't know it then, of course. I just remember liking him, 'cause he was cool and the most popular kid in class and such. But now I think I *liked* him. I had that memory yesterday and it all sort of clicked. It was all at once comforting and startling and weird and wrong and right.

Fluffy-Headed Kid, Thy Name is Me
As most of you know, I have been growing my hair out since middle-March of this year. My plan is not to cut it until middle March next year. At least on full year of hair growth. I have never done it. I want to do it. I'm doing it. My hair is naturally curly. Girls love it; or, rather, they envy it. It's finally gotten to a length where it is curling and not looking like a horrible horrible wig.

And tonight, it looks great. So great that I (am ashamed to admit that I) didn't want to take my shirt off for fear of messing it up. Because no matter how great it looks, I know it doesn't take long to reach the other side of the pendulum (I look like Ronald McDonald got beat with a shovel in the mud when I get up in the morning). But I enjoy it. I just hope I don't turn out looking like Smallville's John Glover (and instead look like Smallville's Tom Welling.... mmm...Tom Welllllling...).

Oh My Fuckin' Jesus Christ!
Texas Chainsaw Massacre scared the shit out of me. Scared. The. Shit. Out. Of. Me.

Nothing to blog about. Will blog soon.

What?
Somebody, anybody, anywhere, just tell me what the fuck is wrong with me? It's one o'clock in the morning and I am here, at this computer, slightly drunk on wine. I hate wine. It's disgusting. Yet I drank it tonight because I invited Jonathon over for a viewing of MATRIX:RELOADED. And he, surprisingly, came over. And brought wine. And I'm thinking, okay, life sucks, but get some fun out of it, too, so get drunkish with him and fool around. But I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I sat there, THINKING, "Uh, moron, just ask to kiss him, he won't say no." But I couldn't because I didn't really want to. I used to like him. I did. But now, it's different. I'm different. He's different. Both or neither of us is different. I have no lcue. But the truth is, the only reason I entertain these ideas is because he is my best--or, really, only-- option in the romance department. He is no longer my type. He doesn't seem especially enamored with me either. But here I sat with a guy whom I could like mess around with and I didn't. Ya hear that, Brian? Ya listening, Allen? I didn't because I didn't WANT to. Yes, gay people have control. My penis does indeed NOT rule me. I do not need sex.

But I need companionship. I need understanding. Or, at least, I crave it. I guess I don't need it or I would have died a long time ago. Because, really, I have never had it. God that's sad. So fucking sad that someone like me, who has so much to offer, isn't allowed to offer it. Where's the lesson in that? Luckily for me, I have Kelly, who is my outlet for such closeness. Unlucky for me, she is my cousin and she has a "fah-gine-ah" (Austin Powers).

It's the wine talking. I mean, Kelly and I were gonna go to Dereks' to watch RELOADED. But hen Jonathon showed up (I'd invited him last night, but he never showed up, so I changed plans), so I decided, "Hey, maybe I'll get lucky and for one night--15 minutes-- feel like someone wants me." So I sent Kelly on her merry way and now it's late and she should be home, and I've left her within the clutches of non-reason where she has little power (and for little reason: love). I'm not blaming myself for that, though. She's grown.

Egh, I'm tired of thinking.

Nothing Clever-- Just See This Movie
I just watched Kill Bill Volume 1. And it was amazing. And it was only part one. Which means more amazing to come some time soon. Uma Thurman acted her ugly little heart out. Lucy Liu was awesome as ever. But the best part was just the way the thing was stitched together. And I do mean stitched, because it felt like the same movie made in many eras and genres, then edited back together. But it was very well done. I downloaded the movie, which opened Friday, so I'm not sure about a couple things-- for instance, my version would stop and count down from 8, when, like, the film changed. I'm not sure if this happened in the theatre, but I wouldn't put it past Tarantino to do so. Other neat things were when it changed form black and white to color, or whent hey bleeped out The Bride's name. Just weird Tarantino stuff.

Anyway, go see it, unless you have severe problems with a lot of fake blood. Or, as my cousin's mother put it-- if you are an unfeeling monster and like gorey stuff.

Smallville Status Quo
Okay Smallville tonight was good. Nice to see Good Clark back. Nice to see Lana empowered. But it was NOT nice to see the entire last fove or so episodes of last season be pointless. Okay, we were ALL set up for change this season. Bye bye, Lex. Hello, Lana. Bye bye, farm. Hello, Metropolis. But no. Ol' Millar and Gough with Loeb decided, "hmmm... let's not advance ANY plot yet." So, the new villain, Rutger Hauer ("Mr. Edge")? "Dead." The vial of blood, which was the only thing Lionel had on Clark (although he didn't know it was Clark's)...gone...then back... Lex? Back. Wife? Gone. Clark good. Lana and he on the ropes. Farm regained. Next thing, Martha'll be pregnant again or something. I am just saying it all seems like we've regress a season now. I am interested to see what "deal" Jonathan made, though.

I will add that I love John Glover's (Lionel) way of speaking. His cadence, his..something... is mez-mer-eye-zing!

Addendum
The night was spent at Derek's house (Kelly's boyfriend)-- he's a cool guy and we have lots in common. I'm glad she found him. Maybe he and I can hang out more often.

Jungle Love
Well I just finished watching The WB's Tarzan and boy did I like him. I mean it. yeah. It. The show.

Okay who am I kidding? Travis Fimmel, who stars as Tarzan, is hot.



And his beauty is compounded by the fact that I have seen him in his underwear (time to step up to the plate, Mr. Welling--let's see those Superman Underoos, eh?).

Anywho, the story is actually good. I like the updated Tarzan plot, and that Jane is actually a strong character. Even Mitch Pileggi plays a nice round character-- what IS his motive?

And tonight gives us episode 2 of Smallville...excited about that as well!

Seven Days...
I had to get rid of the latest ring. Earring, I mean. Got infected, I gave up once again. That's ear-cartilage piercing number three (or is it four?) that has gone awry. Oh well...

And Today FELT Like Seven Days
I went to Columbai today to see some proofs for an important print job. Not a good day in that respect. We made SURE they wouldbe ready today. Were they? No, of course not. But I was able to meet with the fine folks at South Carolina Hospital Association, which was good. We've secured their account, Bill & I. Hooray money!

Mmmm Coffeeeeeboy
While in Columbia, Bill & I hit Barnes & Noble, to discuss some sales crap and to have coffee. While there, a few cute guys milled about, but one especially had my eye... but he was with a girl, freaking hetero bastard. Oh well. It's not wise for me to scope during business anyway, I guess.

Mmmm Cooookiess...
I made peanut butter cookies (from sritchy scritchy scratch) the other day and they are yummy. I am eating some now. So let that be a note to all you suitors: I COOOOK!

Poetry Reading
I don't know if I've published this here before, but I like it nonetheless and this is my blog, so I get to do it.

No More Colors
Crimson pianos play Chopsticks
on my brain
and burn rose-colored memories
into my eyes.

I turn, purple in my defiance,
and demand with yellowed words
that you come back to me
whole, safe, and mine.

I see the laugh in your eyes.
It is green, mossy, old and attached.
It has set for a while in your heart
and grown brown around your thoughts.

The night is indigo as I cry,
lost without you after just finding you
and my tears are mercury silver
as they roll down my face.

There is
no more light
No more color.
No more.

No.

10 Parts Hope, One Part Coincidence
I don't really get it. I don't understand why I am never really enough, for anyone. Is it me? Amd I really not enough? Do I really lack THAT much? I know some times I expect too much, of myself and of others, but I don't see how people can expect more of me. I give SO much of myself to everything. I guess maybe I give too much. Or maybe I only give so much out of things I think won't hurt me--like I'm scared of a productive relationship. But they hurt me nonetheless.

I mean, I'm exceedingly intelligent, but not especially arrogant. I'm not unattractive. Hell, I can be downright cute some times. I'm nice, anticipatory, thoughtful, artisitc, caring.

And yet these are the reasons I'm given that someone or other doesn't like me. I'm "too nice" I've been recently told. Which is really code for, "I don't like you, here's our easy way out." Which is fine. i can take someone not liking me. Hell, i'm an expert at it. I just want to know what I do, why it's done, how it's done and how I can eventually stop it. And no. I dont' believe in the whole "it'll happen when it happens" crap. What if YOU are supposed to MAKE it happen? I believe we create our own destiny...Or at least we simply try to make do with what the universe hands us. I don't believe some higher purpose other than my own mind and the mind of others is guiding me through life. Or misguiding me. So what is it about me that makes me a total failure? What about me isn't good enough?

And what about me leaves me alone every night of the week when I am most vunerable to myself, when I most want someone around to at least make me feel special? And what happened to those times--those few precious times-- that I did have that? Where did I go wrong then? What lesson was I to learn, and why haven't I yet?

And in that same vein, why do i keep hoping, trying, believing? Is my lesson simply that i should learn my lesson? Am I to give up? Is that the secret to life--that there IS no secret? That we simply exist on hope and coincidence? That we are just motes drifting along and sometimes peple meet up and they stick? And if that's the case, why is my mote-life so unsticky?

And we're just talking my "romantic" life here. We're not even getting into my other lives--like business and personal. That will be another blog some time. We're just talking about all the people--girls and guys-- who found me lacking. Unsuitable. Not enough. Too nice.

"Too nice?" Too fucking NICE? Am I supposed to be mean, now? Is that how it's done? Act aloof and uninterested? Make others feel less than I am? If that's how it works, then I want no part of it.

I'm an idiot. I've known it a while. I keep standing back up after I get knocked down. I keep pushing my mouth piece back in, shaking off the sweat and blood, and going back for another round. Well, I'm tired. I don't want to fight anymore.

And so here I sit. Alone at night with no one wanting to be with me. No one finding me interesting enough. No one finding me "enough."

So I tell ya what. All bets are off. All past experiences mean nothing. Everything is a clean slate. Everything is even. I move on with full knowledge of my past, but without acknowledging it. I have no clue if this is good or bad, but it does mean I continue with hope, I guess.

Here's to stickiness.

Still the Same
I found this photo of me:



I am five-ish or so, maybe. Note that I'm giving myself bunny ears-- DOUBLE bunny ears. Still a dork. :)

I'm My Own Grandpa

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

I love that song.